Who's Judging Whom?

Here's what I believe:

Women in general, tend to be judges.  It's in our nature.  And I'd like to believe it comes from an interesting and biologically important place.  But the way that we judge each other gets in the way of our ability to support and nuture each other.  There are few times in a woman's life when she needs as much or more support than when she is navigating mortherhood.  We second guess ourselves, make ourselves sick with worry, and give up almost everything we used to care about to put our kids first.

And all the while, we are judging ourselves more harshly than anyone else..... Or are we?

I feel pretty sad when it occurs to me that we actually may be judging other moms as harshly (or even more?) than we judge ourselves.  So how on earth can we support and nuture and connect with each other through the murky waters of all this nasty judgement?

Hi.  My name is Meagan, and sometimes I judge other moms.

That's right, I'm talking the talk, and yet not always walking the walk.  It feels really, really awful to admit this.  I worry that I will lose some readers by admitting this.

To those of you are saying "peace out, you  judgmental, lady! I'm not like you, and I'm done reading your blog.  I am all loving and non judging" I say, "You're amazing!  Please start a blog or write a book or create a mom newsletter or something and teach the rest of us how to be like you. Help us."

I read an article the other day in the Huffington Post that really got me thinking.  In fact my 13-going-on-35-year-old babysitter sent it to me (Oh how I love that a 13 year old regulary hands me sage wisdom on parenting)...  You can grab it and read it here.  It's called "To the parents I knew 4 years ago, I'm sorry" by Kara Gebhart Uhi.

In the article, this brave mom is apologizing to all the moms she judged before becoming a parent herself.  She now admits that she sometimes plops her children in front of tv, video games, and/or candy to just find some freaking peace.  I'm nodding my head along as I read it, thinking how right she is to address this judgement amongst parents.  And then do you know what I did?
Of course you do.
That's right.... I judged her.
She admits to giving her children candy to keep them quiet!?!?  Candy!!!!  "I would NEVER,"  I thought to myself.

So here's the kicker.  I HAVE given my daughter candy to make her be quiet.  I did it once in the car when she was about 14 months old.  She was going ballistic.  I thought I'd drive off the road if she didn't chill out.  So I gave her a lollipop.  I determined it a matter of highway safety.
And she was quiet.  The.  Whole.  Way.  Home.

So where does the judgement really come from, I'm wondering, because there I was judging the author for making the same parenting choice that I myself have made.  The truth is that she totally liberated herself by writing the article at all.  And, so in the spirit of the "greatest form of flattery" aka copying, I hereby admit to judging other moms.  And to once (ok, twice!) giving my daughter some candy in the car so she would chill the heck out.


Breastfeeding is no exception here 
(a little sage advice from someone better at dishing than taking):

Milky mamas, be careful the next time you judge your bottle feeding compatriots.  You do not know what efforts and tears they have put in, how many cracked, bleeding nipples they have salved, nor how many medela pump n style motors they have broken from overuse in an effort to nurse their babe.  You may not know the devastation a mom experiences when she feels she has failed to feed her child at the breast.

Fellow restaurant patrons, consider why a breastfeeding mom is offensive to you while the woman bearing more cleavage than pam anderson at the table next to her is not.

Family members, ask yourself why a child who can walk and talk and ask for milk from his/her mother makes you uncomfortable before saying, "I think a child who can ask to nurse is too old to nurse."

Stay at home moms, consider the amazing opportunity for role modeling of independence and feminism and work ethic a working mother creates for her sons and daughters before saying she is letting day care or a nanny raise her children.

Working moms, applaud the life of the stay at home mother, who is lucky to grab a moment's peace and a shower during a too-short nap before she is back to making finger paintings out of cornstarch and food coloring on her kitchen floor in the spirit of fostering creative expression.

If we are making conscious and informed decisions about our parenting almost all of the time (and doing our best the rest of the time), we are deserving of respect, not judgement.  I'd like to work on this.  I hope that admitting my own judgements is a step in the right direction here.  Hats off to Kara Gebhart Uhi, who told the truth.