How Old is Too Old?

When this question is asked as it pertains to the nursing child, I go through a series of emotions.  

First, I feel a little knee jerk reaction of fear.  Invariably, if the question is being posed, the asker has an answer, and typically that answer is in the vein of "If she's old enough to ask to nurse, she's too old to nurse." I'm not going to mince words here: This kind of "logic" makes me fucking crazy.  

My usual retort is something like, "So, as soon as our children are able to advocate verbally for their nutritional needs, we should tell them 'no'?".  Sometimes this gets people rethinking the original question, (success?!), bringing me to the next emotion I feel when asked the question gracing the title of this post…

Opportunity. 

I think to myself:  "I will convince this ill-informed victim of societal discomforts that extended nursing is amazing and important and that out-of-control formula company marketing has totally misled us on this very important aspect of motherhood."

And of course I don't stop there; I get really excited and start spewing fact after fact after fact about the importance of letting moms and babes and toddlers work together in the natural weaning process.  I also throw in some solid stats on the emotional and physical wellness of the breastfed toddler.  

Of course my audience, who is inevitably NOT comfortable with extended nursing, is not only glazed over with my TMI approach to the conversation, but has also found me out and labeled me a "crazy hippie".  

Shit.  

Now I've lost 'em. 

And that brings me to emotion #3. . .

Anger.

How did we get here?  Why is it so important to everyone to decide when and where and how long we should nurse our babes?  And what the hell is happening in medical schools that is preventing doctors and nurses from realizing the amazing benefits of breastfeeding beyond the first year of life?  The answer:  Formula companies are powerful, people.  And not regulated in the good ole U S of A.  

"The World Health Assembly adopted the International Code of Marketing of Breast-milk Substitutes in 1981 to protect and promote breastfeeding through the provision of adequate information on appropriate infant feeding and the regulation of the marketing of breastmilk substitutes, bottles and teats... The Code stipulates that there should be absolutely no promotion of breastmilk substitutes, bottles and teats to the general public; that neither health facilities nor health professionals should have a role in promoting breastmilk substitutes; and that free samples should not be provided to pregnant women, new mothers or families." (http://www.unicef.org/nutrition/index_24805.html)

The U.S.A. did not adopt The Code.  

I get steamy and huffy and puffy about this.  It isn't pretty.

And then, emotion #4 sets in. . .

Motivation.

Let's get the word(s) out, people.

The World Health Organization recommends breastfeeding until at least the age of 2 and their position is NOT limited to nursing dyads in the developing world.  The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends nursing to at least the age of 1 and then for as long as mother and baby desire.  Ahhhh, there it is: "For as long as mother and baby desire"

Let's go deeper here.  If mother and baby do in fact "desire" to go longer, then why on earth is the rest of our community busying themselves with discouraging it?  

For dyads who choose extended nursing:

It makes moms happy.  It makes babes happy.  It is healthy.  And it helps normalize what is natural.  

End. 

Of. 

Conversation.

(i wish)  

To learn more about "The Code" click here.

  

The Ruling on Judgement

Sage wisdom came to me yesterday at a play group; this time from my doula (aka "woman I am indebted to forever and ever and ever), Patience Bleskan.

I talked to her about my sheepish admission of occasional judgement toward other mothers, and I mentioned that it was both liberating and terrifying to speak this out loud.

She said this:

"Judgement is part of the process of identifying who you are as a mom.  You look around and you decide what is and isn't "you".  It's just a natural part of the process of parenting."

Ah, yes.

And thank you thank you thank you for normalizing this for me.  And here I thought I was just sometimes acting like a total jerk, but in fact I was finding my *way* which apparently includes limiting candy, allowing a little tv before the age of 2, hiding spinach in chocolate brownies (thank you, Jessica Seinfeld), and breastfeeding until my child starts college my child self-weans.

And suddenly this piece on judgement didn't feel so uncomfortable anymore as it actually began to fit nicely and neatly into the whole purpose behind my blog, which is to say:

This is MY *way* of feeding and nourishing my child.
What is your way?
What resources do you need to get there?
How can I help?

Who's Judging Whom?

Here's what I believe:

Women in general, tend to be judges.  It's in our nature.  And I'd like to believe it comes from an interesting and biologically important place.  But the way that we judge each other gets in the way of our ability to support and nuture each other.  There are few times in a woman's life when she needs as much or more support than when she is navigating mortherhood.  We second guess ourselves, make ourselves sick with worry, and give up almost everything we used to care about to put our kids first.

And all the while, we are judging ourselves more harshly than anyone else..... Or are we?

I feel pretty sad when it occurs to me that we actually may be judging other moms as harshly (or even more?) than we judge ourselves.  So how on earth can we support and nuture and connect with each other through the murky waters of all this nasty judgement?

Hi.  My name is Meagan, and sometimes I judge other moms.

That's right, I'm talking the talk, and yet not always walking the walk.  It feels really, really awful to admit this.  I worry that I will lose some readers by admitting this.

To those of you are saying "peace out, you  judgmental, lady! I'm not like you, and I'm done reading your blog.  I am all loving and non judging" I say, "You're amazing!  Please start a blog or write a book or create a mom newsletter or something and teach the rest of us how to be like you. Help us."

I read an article the other day in the Huffington Post that really got me thinking.  In fact my 13-going-on-35-year-old babysitter sent it to me (Oh how I love that a 13 year old regulary hands me sage wisdom on parenting)...  You can grab it and read it here.  It's called "To the parents I knew 4 years ago, I'm sorry" by Kara Gebhart Uhi.

In the article, this brave mom is apologizing to all the moms she judged before becoming a parent herself.  She now admits that she sometimes plops her children in front of tv, video games, and/or candy to just find some freaking peace.  I'm nodding my head along as I read it, thinking how right she is to address this judgement amongst parents.  And then do you know what I did?
Of course you do.
That's right.... I judged her.
She admits to giving her children candy to keep them quiet!?!?  Candy!!!!  "I would NEVER,"  I thought to myself.

So here's the kicker.  I HAVE given my daughter candy to make her be quiet.  I did it once in the car when she was about 14 months old.  She was going ballistic.  I thought I'd drive off the road if she didn't chill out.  So I gave her a lollipop.  I determined it a matter of highway safety.
And she was quiet.  The.  Whole.  Way.  Home.

So where does the judgement really come from, I'm wondering, because there I was judging the author for making the same parenting choice that I myself have made.  The truth is that she totally liberated herself by writing the article at all.  And, so in the spirit of the "greatest form of flattery" aka copying, I hereby admit to judging other moms.  And to once (ok, twice!) giving my daughter some candy in the car so she would chill the heck out.


Breastfeeding is no exception here 
(a little sage advice from someone better at dishing than taking):

Milky mamas, be careful the next time you judge your bottle feeding compatriots.  You do not know what efforts and tears they have put in, how many cracked, bleeding nipples they have salved, nor how many medela pump n style motors they have broken from overuse in an effort to nurse their babe.  You may not know the devastation a mom experiences when she feels she has failed to feed her child at the breast.

Fellow restaurant patrons, consider why a breastfeeding mom is offensive to you while the woman bearing more cleavage than pam anderson at the table next to her is not.

Family members, ask yourself why a child who can walk and talk and ask for milk from his/her mother makes you uncomfortable before saying, "I think a child who can ask to nurse is too old to nurse."

Stay at home moms, consider the amazing opportunity for role modeling of independence and feminism and work ethic a working mother creates for her sons and daughters before saying she is letting day care or a nanny raise her children.

Working moms, applaud the life of the stay at home mother, who is lucky to grab a moment's peace and a shower during a too-short nap before she is back to making finger paintings out of cornstarch and food coloring on her kitchen floor in the spirit of fostering creative expression.

If we are making conscious and informed decisions about our parenting almost all of the time (and doing our best the rest of the time), we are deserving of respect, not judgement.  I'd like to work on this.  I hope that admitting my own judgements is a step in the right direction here.  Hats off to Kara Gebhart Uhi, who told the truth.

Tongue Tie & The Breast Whisperer

So, yesterday, one of my dearest friends allowed me to tag along for a private lactation consult.  Her baby is a gorgeous little 10 week old gal whose weight gain has slowed in the last two weeks.  I was concerned that the little gal wasn't feeding efficiently for the following reasons:

• She was spending a lot of time at the breast without adequate weight gain
• She was falling asleep at the breast early in each feeding
• Mom was experiencing significant pain and tissue damage

I suggested my friend go in to to see a private practice IBCLC to get an assessment and consult.  We made an appointment at The Mother'hood.  This place is the shit by the way, if you live in the Denver area, and the lactation consultant there is the bees knees, or as I like to call her, the Breast Whisperer.  

I felt extremely grateful for the opportunity to observe Amanda (the aforementioned breast whisperer) sleuth out the cause of the breastfeeding problems.  Here's what she suggested:

• This gorgeous little baby had possibly an posterior tongue tie
• We were to go consult with a pediatric dentist who would possibly perform a lingual frenectomy to correct the tongue tie.
• My friend was to do switch feedings before and after the possible frenectomy to help the baby remove more milk from the breast

More information on Posterior Tongue Tie:

Tongue tie is not uncommon, and is not a problem unless breastfeeding is impaired.  The tongue is connected to the bottom of the mouth by a little strip of tissue called the frenulum.  The tongue is HUGELY important to breastfeeding because it massages the breast tissue to help remove milk from the breast.  If the frenulum is too short, the tongue cannot extend far enough out of the mouth to assist with emptying the breast.  As a result, the baby is working hard to feed and yet not getting much milk which results in exhaustion (thus falling asleep on the breast before becoming satiated) and also may use his/her lips to try to remove milk from the breast which results in tissue damage (thus pain for mama).  A perfect storm.

Lingual Frenectomy:

The procedure used to correct tongue tie is a minor, out patient procedure done in office with the baby wide awake.  ENTs will suggest using general anastesia  which is totally unnecessary.  If this procedure is something you are considering see a pediatric dentist experienced with the procedure.

You can put the baby to breast immediately after the procedure which takes just a few moments.  While very minor, the procedure can be upsetting to watch.  There is very little blood because the frenulum is not vascular, however, no mama or daddy likes to see their child uncomfortable, even if for a few seconds.  Keep in mind that feeding and growing is your baby's number one job.  If he/she can't do it well, the results can be hugely impactful on his/her health.  Subtext:  It's worth it.
Also, these procedures can also be done with a laser which may be preferable as it has potentially fewer downsides.  

What are switch feedings?

Milk flow is stronger and faster early in a feeding.  So babies who are struggling to feed don't have to do much work at the beginning.  The milk is kinda just flowing/squirting/spraying into their mouths.  But after a few minutes, milk flow slows, and an inefficient nurser will be working hard for little milk, get tired, and get nappy on the breast.  Sometimes we think, "Oh, she must be full since she's sleeping now."  But in fact, she's just exhausted.  Not a good thing.  

So, with switch feeding, as soon as the baby gets sleepy on the breast, you switch the baby to the other breast.  Why?  Because on the other side, the babe will get another fast flow experience for a few moments.  Baby doesn't have to work very hard to get milk for a few more minutes.  Of course, milk flow will slow again, and what do you do next?  Switch again.  Keep at it until you feel your baby has had good milk intake.  

Low and behold, this little munchkin did in fact of a posterior tongue tie, and the dentist went ahead with the frenectomy.  I watched!  Pretty fascinating stuff.  Very quick, and we had this little babe nursing on mama within a few minutes.  Mom could feel a difference in the latch immediately.  Amazingness.  

Did you know that midwives used to perform the same procedure with their fingernail?  Some might find it horrifying, but think about it - it's pretty brilliant....  A baby who couldn't nurse, couldn't live.  If we still lived in a world without artificial infant milk, this procedure would be life saving.  And when you consider the health concerns associated with babies fed artificial milk, some might say it still is.